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do stories shape our reality, or does reality define our stories?

by clutch at straws

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1.
Fiona 07:06
quite a long time in the grocery store I can’ t just buy anything, I must have control I’m examining every product, every label every viand, every tag, every nutrition table I’m comparing the low-calorie food for half an hour, it seems I am glued to this shelves, I’m not able to take just the things I would like.. when I’m arriving at the cash desk relief is spreading cause my bag seems so light I’m proud of myself and I’m sure with this determination my body turns slight in a short while and now I’m writing down the calories I’m counting all these numbers, I consume everything I ate , everything i drank yet again the summation already ends I have one companion it’s this voice - in my head -it is telling me - that I’m wrong, it is never content and all I’m thinking about will I exercise – or will I not – will I eat – no I won’t, cause the voice is too loud and it’s shouting at me “you’re a disgrace!”, I can’t look at myself wherever I am, I feel out of place no matter - where I am, alone or with my friends I feel out of place the one and only thing that matters is the number on the scales and with every pound I’m losing I’m getting closer to my self I’m coming closer to my goal I’m losing weight and I will show myself and everybody else that I will make it in the end I’m afraid of the mirror I can’t look at myself And I feel ashamed of my body I’m a disgrace to myself I am struggling with pain, the emptiness in my stomach is driving me insane and again I was weak, so I have to repeat I am raising my fingers and sticking them into my The first time in my life I had full control I was the one to decide (finally) I had success with something I have control bout everything I am the one who
2.
Steve 05:02
i love my dad, one part of him the one who’s nice and caring the other dad, that comes home late i’m frightened of, but this one is fake i don’t know how to feel which one – is real everytime the one dad appears it hurts, inside and outside but the next day he just disappeard so it is clear, he is not real but real are the bruises, i can feel all over me, all over my body and the tear-stained eyes of mum the fear in here eyes – not gone i don’t understand completely but i observed one thing, for sure that my bad dad t exists at night my good dad just exists at daylight my mother often tells me to be quiet , to stay in my room i try to sleep but i’m not able to (cause) she yells and cries and afterwards my dad often comes in my room and shouts at me, he sounds so different my mother tries to hinder him my mother tries to hinder him but in the end.. the both of us... are in pain and in silence till today ... and it repeats... again and again day after day, week after week until today...
3.
Margarete 07:13
i know it’s not your fault but sometimes it is hard just not to get angry not to get mad cause it’s so disappointing it hurts too much when you look into my eyes but you don’t recognise (me) it took time to realise, that your mind disappears at first i declined now i start to fear i am living with you you deny that you do you think you don’t live with me, you think you do not belong in this house but you’re wrong i am alone you are with me, but you are not i’m by my own i feel alone you are with me, your self is gone i’m by my own i feel alone your body’s here, your mind is not i’m by my own i feel alone i am with you, with all my heart but you are not i know you’re not to blame and that you’re suffering too but i can’t just pretend that nothing has changed you’re a stranger to me as i am to you but the difference is, i remember what we went through we spend our whole lives together i am your wife, i will be your wife (forever) we had hard times (together) so many moments together (in my memory forever) and it’s still in my head but in your head it’s not that’s why sometimes i have the feeling that i made everything up how can a person forget everything that he did every person he met every feeling he felt there’s just so much you are that exists cause of you and you are - the only one who does not know anyting about your life anything - about yourself and me anyting about this/his life anything - about yourself/himself and me he is / seems alive, what does that mean? not really here, but inbetween there’s no connection to anything i’d wish to have him back again just for one moment, for one second to look into his eyes again to tell hm what i failed to say when he was with me, when he was he was alive, what does that mean? could i have told him, all the things when he was here, he was with us but now he’s gone, i’m by my own with all the guilt and all my thoughts unspoken words will stay untold so long with me now, forever gone unspoken words will stay untold
4.
Andrea 08:26
she is sitting allone in a room looking out of the window and having regrets she is shaking and can’t find the words she wants to write down, the words that belong to a woman, to a desperate mother who lost her child but she knows there is nothing she can say there is nothing she can do, cause she can’t do things undone she’s not able to turn back time faster breath and higher pulse her eyes begin to fill with tears she is overstrained and helpless feeling sorry and self-hatred everything went far too fast it was dark and it was wet it was not smart to drive the car but she thought she can handle it just one or two seconds of inattention the eyelids felt so heavy just one moment, what could happen? there was this other car she was heading and the next thing she recognizes is feeling heat and feeling pain smelling smoke and seein nothing she has no clue what’s going on there were medics, flashing blue light they asked her things, she did not know she was confused, she was in pain she still did not understand any of anything but the next time she is reviving there are news on the tv and they report about an accident her car accident she finds out there was a boy in the other car, with 18 years who passed away immediately he was sober, he was not to blame so there she’s sitting in a hopsital room looking out of the window and having regrets she is shaking, She’s panting She cannot find the words she would like to write down on this note/(chit) that lies in front on this letter that belongs to his mother
5.
David 07:36
he’s leaving the house early because he cannot stand another breakfast with his family where he has to pretend that everything is finde cause clearly it is not but still he did not tell (them) he’s nowhere near to well it was a prophylactic check-up he would never have believed no, he never ever thought that he is ill, that he’ll receive a diagnosis of cancer at stage four which means he’ll stay alive for half a year, or so louise was waking up and she saw me still awake she asked what’s on my mind so I started to narrate my visit to the doctor I did not tell the truth nothing is ok – nothing is fine I have a diagnosis for a metastatic cancer which means it will probably end my life it’s living inside me, it’s taking over it’s in my lungs it eats me up from the inside out I don’t want to surrender my life’s not over there are possibilities, I’m still alive, I still can fight I do not want to leave you there’s still so much I need to do, there are so many things i have to experience with you and with our girl how can my life be over I’m not ready, no I cannot abandon her she needs me I’m her father.. I have to be there for her i must not leave my life can’t be over there are things I have to do I have to recover but I know this is not possible cause this disease will end my life though this is the reality I wish I could survive
6.
Christopher 04:50
one step away, a big decision already done, my faith is gone too many incididents, too many things against myself, my life too hard my mind is torn how can it be, that in this short time nearly everything turns bad nearly everything i had is gone and now i’m feeling sad, allone it’s just too much, i cannot handle it i’m going down under the weight under the endlessness of issues i lose my mind i lost the sight, i’m lost inside it’s dark, it’s stiffling, overwhelming just a single path is lighted and it’s one step away i am mature to do it now i will feel free like a bird and after minutes, after seconds i will be free forever
7.
Nikolas I 04:08
another morning , another day to survive why not staying in my room, the only place i can hide i hear him yelling, i hear her screaming again i can’t sustain it, i have to leave this place i feel uncomfortable, no matter what i’m doing anytime: they are looking, everywhere: they are looking but at the same time noone takes notice of me i am invisible, the guy who appears, when they profit from it, when they profit from me they can strike, they can twit, they humiliate me they just do whatever they want, i’m not able to flee i’m not able to do anything of avail i am useless, i’m a frail, i’m a ridiulousness i’m a disgrace for this world, i am naught – i confess why should anyone care about someone that does not even care bout himself, just dispairs of himself so i spend all my time/(my whole life) in anxiety for everyone anxiety for everything and for the day after so i spend my whole life in anxiety everywhere anxiety anytime and the day after so i spend my whole life in anxiety for everyone anxiety for everything and for the day after so i spend my whole life in anxiety everywhere fear anytime, will there be a day after?
8.
Nikolas II 05:34
what am i talking about? why am i feeling doubt? this is not my fault that’s what i will point out i deserve better, from now on i will make my decisions, they will pay their bill i’ll fight for changing, no matter how far i need to go i’ll change the rules of this game from now on i’m no longer a shadow, i will step in the light they will see me , they’ll notice, they will recognise what’s my name? whats my age? how do i look? i’m out from my cage – change the ending of this book he laughs best, that laughs last future’s different from the past enough is enough now i pull the strings will have control bout everything he laughs best, that laughs last future’s different from the past i will have control i want to have control have control `bout everything everything that matters, everythnig that counts not just for me, but for everyone else they deserve it, i don’t really have any choice they contradict, i can’t hear them: now i raise my voice
9.
Nikolas III 06:20
i’m not sure, let’s look one more time into my bag? i can feel it, it’s heavy and edged do they notice? do i look more nervous today i don’t feel weak, but powerful instead now i am there and nothing is different noone is different i’m sure that i will will i carry out, or will i call off? no! it needs to been done should i yell, should i shout at them, tell them what’s going on tell them where they belong,tell them that they are wrong, they are the bad ones, they made their decision they chose to be brutal, they chose to be vicious now they are the victims, just this single time this is nothing compared to what i had to go through for these few seconds they will understand they will feel ashamed and they will regret I’m no longer the victim never again today, i won’t give in i can see all the fear, all the tears in their eyes but this won’t keep me back, today noone survives they did everything wrong, that’s not how you live life so i end it, for them and for me and forever

credits

released May 27, 2022

recorded @ STRESS Studios 2020/2021
produced and mixed by Ronald Dangl Dystopia Recordings
mastered by Martin Scheer

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clutch at straws Vienna, Austria

emotional screamo/hc from austria

upcoming shows:

04.02. Barcafeelefant / Brno
05.02. ? / Prague
06.02 Kubik / Trnava
07.02. Futra Klub / Orlovà
08.02. Svetadil / České Budějovice
09.02. ? / Plzen
10.02. Secret / Linz
11.02. Weranda / Bratislava
... more

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